Tag Archives: life

I want to live.

As 2020 comes to a close, I wanted to explain my mantra going into the new year.

This year has been the toughest I have had to experience in the past 18 years of my life. There has been intense loneliness, stress and anger. But there has also been areas of joy, excitement and euphoria. Basically, this year has been something.

This is same for all of you too right? It has been a tough year. But, the important thing is we made it through together. Thought this wasn’t the case for everyone, so we need to remember how lucky we are, and pay respects to those we lost.

There is always the classic New Years resolutions that everyone sets. People set these to make a fresh start and changes. There is only one thing that rings in my mind.

I want to live

I want to pursue my ideas, my passions. No longer will my desired self be locked up in my head. I want to be that person from now.

Why wait?

Start now.

So, what do you want to do? Have a great year!

Are you in love with someone?

This is a genuine question i like to ask people, because it can reveal a lot about someone.

Being in love with someone is a difficult concept to divide. There are many different ways to love someone. You can instinctually care for others on this shared planet, and “love” that they are just as lucky to be here as yourself, cherishing their existence, but not having any real connection with them bar life. Or, there is self love, where you accept yourself for your own being, appreciating you for you and not for anybody else.

I haven’t begun to talk about loving other people romantically, because that is the hardest way to love someone, on the same level as unconditional love.

My biological father, is one of those people I love unconditionally. Though he may not be apart of my life, and he has made many shortcomings throughout my childhood, I still love him. There was a time last year, where I resented him, and was filled with nothing but hatred for him, wishing every evil upon him. I thought I was becoming like him, but I realised that I am my own person, and I choose how I act. Could you argue that this is self-love? Yes, but it is something I am working on. We’ve only got one life, so what is the point in resenting yourself and others?

Back to the question at hand, being in love with someone is hard to decipher than being in love with the idea of someone.

There has been many times where my imagination takes ahold of my beliefs, I imagine what it would be like to be with someone, and how amazing it would be. To the story about my old flatmate, she was someone I had imagined being with, but when it came close to this being a reality, I realised how wrong perceptions can be. Not everything is as cut-clear as it may pose to be; don’t trust everything from a bird’s eye, you have to be on the ground to understand.

So, telling the difference between these two concepts takes time. You may need to talk to yourself to understand this. Do I really love this person, or am I love with the idea of them, and how I perceive them to be.

You also leave yourself vulnerable to rejection. If you set your expectations too high, you are likely to be disappointed. There was this one girl , whom I thought was perfect for me. But when it came to the moment of asking her out, she said no. When I use the word rejection, it really holds no value. Being rejected isn’t being rejected, you were never owed something in the first place. But, it can feel like rejection, which is difficult to overcome.

Love takes time to brew. There is the phrase “love at first sight”. Though I have never experienced that, I do know that true love is not instant. Take my parents for example. Occasionally they fall out and argue, but they are each other’s anchors, and can come back from anything. Saying this aloud would cause for some kind of failsafe, such as “touch wood” or crossing fingers, but I believe this to be the case. True love is one where nothing can shatter it, or something so terrible could cause an imbalance.

You can love someone too much, which disrupts the balance and can cause destruction. This is why true love is a balance.

After all these mini discussions, it can be shown that love isn’t black and white. So when I ask “Are you in love with someone?”, think deep down what love means to you.

Once you unlock true love, you’ll know, and you won’t let it go.

So, are you in love with someone? Or are you in love with something else?

Keep Going Pt 2

The world is constantly changing around us. Throughout this past year, multiple things have changed , such as the way we contact people, to the way we complete our work. If you had told yourself a year ago that any of this was going to happen, it would be difficult to convince them.

However, this is the world we live in. Not everybody has been so lucky this year, and it is important to realise that. Which is why this phrase comes in handy. “Keep going” isn’t just a phrase to me, it’s a mantra. We can complain about the world, Brexit and Covid all we want, but at the end of the day, we just have to deal with it. There is only so much we can change in our world, the rest we have to deal with and keep going.

This may not be surprising to many, but it is important to remember. I still think people care too much about what is unimportant in life. Things such as new variants or drops in stock markets are tough to deal with, but there isn’t much you can do about it. I understand that people can get upset and angry, but it isn’t going to change something, it’s just wasting time where you could be figuring out what you should do next.

Overall, it sounds quite cynical, but try not to care too much on what is out of your control. Complain all you want about what you can control, but realise this is something you have to deal with and solve. But always remember, though it may be tough, to keep going.

Keep Going

Within myself, I have began to notice how much I give up on everything that I do. Once something gets a little difficult, I kick back and leave it because I don’t want to deal with it.

This thought has been torturing my mind for the past few days, and it’s time to share it.

If I am lifting weights, or I am studying for a test, as soon as it gets difficult, I immediately want to quit, or stop whatever I was doing to do something easier. It is a curse of the human race; we like to be lazy. I try to convince myself that I am being productive, but I am doing everything but.

Revising for exams? Nah I’ll watch a documentary, it is still engaging my brain. Though this is correct, it is avoiding the important work that needs to be done. No matter how you argue it, the basics is that you are procrastinating your desired work.

That’s another thing, desire and want are two different things. I may desire to be successful, but I don’t want it enough yet to go for it one hundred percent. I should just go for it, but I hold myself back, for reasons of fear and uncomfortableness. But, you have to break this pseudo-life. Things will not stay this way forever, and you need to adapt and overcome obstacles to be better.

I’m not sure if I am the only one who does this. But sometimes I will be doing something, and then my mind will tell me “Wait! This isn’t what [someone] said to do, and they are successful and happy, what are you doing, don’t do it”.

I think that bubble needs to be busted. Self-help and idols are good for one thing, but when it becomes an obsession over them, you lose trace of yourself and your ideals.

I have been living by others for so long, I must live by myself onwards.

My Drama At My Old Flat.

This has taken me a while to write about, but I think I am ready to talk about it.

So, backstory. I started talking to this girl back in June/ July time in 2020. We were on the same University course, and also the same flat! I thought she was quite pretty, but I wasn’t talking to her because of that reason. She was really cool, and made me laugh a lot.

We would FaceTime almost every day, besides the days where we would be on a phone call when she was walking her dog. It was cool. Before this, I had never really spoken to anybody on the phone before, I had that anxiety, but she definitely helped dissipate that.

It wasn’t until August, where our first hurdle began. Once of my school friends had recently started talking to her. They were not going to the same Uni, nor were they anywhere near each other. I felt a vein of jealousy, but I was more concerned for her. This friend had never displayed any creepy vibes, but I was unsure of his intentions. Eventually, I asked her to stop talking to him, it did make me feel uncomfortable. At this time, we had specified that we did not want a relationship or anything other than friends between each other.

Before University started, we did stop talking as much and calling. This was a result of my feelings being blatantly obvious. But, when I recall, I wasn’t that star struck.

Then it came to moving in. We were so excited to see each other. Though we had been talking the night before, it was ungodly weird to see her in real life. I was so awkward and nervous, though I knew her so well.

Then, the second day came about, we were set to do drinks in the night. I had met up with my friend during the day, which was awesome. But, once I got back we were ready to go. Obviously it started slowly, I’m not much of a drinker, but thought I should have a few at least. It got to around 10pm, and the idea suddenly sprung up in her mind of sleeping with me. Bearing in mind that neither of us were drunk, we were quite sober, I was shocked to hear it. As the night went on, I thought I should go to bed, as I have lectures in the morning. She blocked the door, and did not want me to leave. As she kept drinking, and I did too, she asked me again, and I said to her, “We are too drunk, we should talk about this when we were sober”. This was how I truly felt, and she respected that.

The night turned, and one of my flatmates had thrown up everywhere on the floor. Whilst they dealt with cleaning it up, I had started to feel incredibly drunk and sick. Being a non drinker, this feeling was weird! Once this was sorted, one of my other flatmate’s entertained the idea of myself and “her”. I still said no. Then we got the drunk flatmate sorted, but this time it was close to 2 AM in the morning. I was exhausted and drunk. This same idea came up again, to the point where she came onto me and sent everyone to bed. Long story short, nothing much happened after that. We were way too tired, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

After this night, everything changed. I had a lot to think about, since she had mentioned she “loved” me at one point in the night. My feelings were confused and unclear. We spoke the next morning, both clarified that we shouldn’t do it again, cool the air was clear. I said the night was fun, though it got interpreted as if I was talking about her. Rule #1: Always specify what you are talking about. It became increasingly awkward between myself and her, I wanted to give her space, when she wanted me to comfort her. We even recorded a tik tok together of the ghost meme, it was really funny, but it was so forced that it was uncomfortable. She was still upset, after speaking to the other flatmate, she told me her distress.

So, I did what any person would do. I apologised a few times. Rule #2: Never apologise when you don’t know why you are apologising. It made the responses come across disingenuous and rude, hence the situation escalated.

This is where it gets out of hand. I began to feel a sense of isolation from the rest of my flat. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, it would become desolate and quiet. I realised this straight away, trying to ignore it. But after some time, it didn’t work.

I started hiding in my room, only going into the kitchen when nobody was there. I cooked all of my meals when nobody was there, 6 AM in the morning. It takes a lot for me to be down, but my mind was out of control then. I would overthink everything, to the point where I felt as if my brain would explode.

So, I left. After 3 weeks, I left my flat. She spoke to me on my train journey home, and it seemed like we cleared up the air. I felt good, deserving my break.

After this, the state of COVID got worse, and we were about to go into another Lockdown. Obviously, I wasn’t going to go back to uni now, there was no point, and I did not want to be stuck there. Staying at home with my parents, was the best decision I made all year. It gave me time to think about what I’ve done, and what I want to do. I want to create, I want to live and give 100%. But I can’t do that living in my percieved failure. I thought everything was my fault. Basically, I thought I had ruined her life.

It took a shimmer of light to get me out of this hole; my mother. I spoke to her about the issue, and how I felt about it all. She asked me one simple question ” What have you done wrong?”. I went upstairs and wrote it down, when I looked at it, I realised I had not done much wrong. I’m not perfect, but everything wasn’t my fault. My escape rope was given to me, and I clung onto it with two hands. Rule #3: Talk to those you trust about your problems.

Another week passes, and I reach out to her, to ask how she is doing. Just after the party, I did bombard her with texts, trying to be over-friendly, to act as though we were over it, in reality we weren’t. She replied with the usual one word answer, but when I brought up that we still have to live together, she responded fully. She said (paraphrase) usually those when they make a fuck up as big as this, they are cut immediately from her life. This was my breaking limit, and I exploded in my response, outlining how this was not just my fault, in reality nothing much happened, but the situation had escalated out-of-hand. Rule #4: Always stand up for yourself.

As I have spoken about in a previous blog, I felt like I had finally left my hole, there was only one more thing to do, leave the flat. I had learned so much, and hurt a lot too. But, in a weird way, I’m kind of grateful that it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think I would have met the amazing people I have, spoken to my biological father, or learned so much about myself that I can break past my previous boundaries. I am not the same person, I think I am a better person because of it. Rule #5 There is gratitude to be found in every situation.

I have no hate towards any of those involved, but this post is a cathartic way of ‘closing the chapter’ as my mum phrased it.

Let’s go.

Thank you so much for reading this, take care!

Note: I’m not a guru!

Moving Flats!

Due to the drama that occurred in my previous flat (will be discussed in another post) I only saw it right for me to move out, and find my sense of happiness again.

Minor backstory, there was a dislike present between myself and some other members of the flat. There was no big wrongdoing, besides a minor sexual tension between myself and the big leader of the flat. It was something neither of us could anticipate, but it happened and we had to deal with it.

Why do I bring this up, well my dear reader! It is because the fallout created increasing unhappiness for me and for her. Though attempts were made to correct this, it is important to note that you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. One of my favourite quotes from ‘The Minimalists – http://www.theminimalists.com’. I have no feelings of hatred towards her, but our friendship ( for now) cannot be fixed. Feelings of isolation and depressive episodes were present for me, and when I’m paying £6000 for accommodation fees, I better be enjoying my stay. It is okay to be selfish, you are your main character.

The moving process took a couple of hours. This happened during the Coronavirus Pandemic (for future readers- I hope!) meaning only I could be there to move all of my stuff into my car and to the new place. Luckily I had left some boxes in my flat ( I haven’t lived there in over 2 months) to help move my stuff, it is almost like I anticipated it!

These boxes were heavy. If I wasn’t a minimalist before, I definitely will declutter now. It was so annoying!

My new place is great though, my room has its own air freshner, and it looks really comfy. My old place gave me knockoff Pot Noodles, my new place gave me Original!

I think this will be good 🙂

Thanks for stopping by, remember I am not a guru.

Onwards and Upwards!

I am back! This time better than ever.

I do feel a bit of guilt for abandoning this blog, but I found it was the right thing to do since all that has been happening over the past few weeks.

So, I have been studying at my university for my assignments that were due in just before Christmas. They have been lots of hard work, but I have found them to be rewarding once you hit the ” Submit” button. Before, back in Secondary school, I would not care as much when it came to homework and tasks. I would do them as soon as I got them yes, but I would not soak in the information from the tasks to apply this to my understanding. This made them pointless.

This is one of the first things i have begun to comprehend, is to Engage with your work. What i mean by this is to not only complete your homework, or tasks, but to consider “What is this telling me?”.

Let’s say for example, you are doing a maths question, focussed around pythagoras’ theorem. You answer the question. Done, easy peasy and off to relax-town. But, if you asked yourself what it was teaching you, it would become clear the task was showing you when to use it, on right-angled triangles only!

Besides the maths lesson, looking at the bigger picture should always be at the forefront of your mind. Not to the point where you overthink life entirely, but enough for you to learn the reasoning behind certain actions and tasks.

In social situations, the ‘bigger’ picture concerns the “Why” in people’s behaviour. For example, I was driving on the dual carriageway recently, and this woman was constantly beeping at me. I was driving at 70, and was following the road rules, but I couldn’t understand why she was beeping. I could easily get angry and try to react, but I thought to myself, I don’t know this woman, something may have happened in her life to make her act this way. People should be treated the way they wish to be treated, but if others fail to meet that criteria, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, remember I’m not a guru.

Goals and Dreams

Our goals are important. They are what urges us to get up in the morning; brush our teeth, work out, walk the dog and get to work. Our Dreams play in par with this. We stick to our goals so we can follow our dreams.

I have struggled with my goals and dreams for a long time. I try to set myself a goal, to accomplish a task, but i have never had a clear dream. When i was younger, i thought i was meant to be an electrician, because it was solid money and would make my parents proud. I have wanted to be a psychologist, because I love understanding and helping people, though the idea came from idolising someone else, and what they had accomplished.

Is this a bad thing? No, everyone has people they look up to. Look at the big companies: Apple, Tesla and Microsoft. I would be lying that I have never dreamt I was successful as Tim Cook. But there is a distinct difference between idolising and being inspired by successful figures. Though i will not be implementing Tim’s impressive work ethic, I would implement his dedication and passion for his job. When you love what you are doing, you will be more inspired to continue working. This is not something that hasn’t been said before. Falling in love with your work will help you achieve your goals, consequently achieving your dreams.

But, it is not so cut simple. If your working in a dynamic industry, such as social media, doing the work does not guarantee your success as an “influencer”. You have to adapt, overcome your obstacles and be unique. There is no set process to success. You have to make a commitment and stick to it.

With goals and dreams, it is difficult to complete the goals without the dream. I have struggled with this for a long time now, but I think I have found one.

I want the world to be a better place because I was apart of it Life is a bitter sweet amount of time, our lives are our memories. So if we don’t have memories, then who are we really. Though I am unsure of the right direction for my life to go in, it is fair to say that if I can improve the world, just a little bit, because I was here, my job is done.

My best advice for those without direction or a dream, no matter what age, you will find something that you will fall in love with. There is no direction in life you need to go, there are windy roads that take you down all sorts of paths. But, by making smart decisions, even over little things such as the food you eat, you will find the right roads leading to the right destination.

Birds and nature

Today, i was going to blog simply about getting outside in the morning to get some healthy vitamin d to start the day off right, but then something caught my eye. On the top of my window frame, a coal tit landed on the top, and began to sit there and eat. I thought it was astonishing, how this little creature has the capactity to fly at tenacious speeds, and then sit on top of my window like it was nothing. It was amazing!

I have never really studied birds. It was my uncle who first introduced the passionate admiration for these creatures. When we ( my sister and i) were younger, we would go on trips to go see different, rare species of birds. I did not appreciate it then, but i do now. Birds are awesome, and i am going to spend time learning all about them.

Moreover on the subject of nature, it is a breathtaking thing. When the sun rises and brightens anything and everything in its path, that is pure beauty and serenity. However, we take it all for granted now our lives are based indoors. Going out for a walk nad embracing the warm summers and cold winters is a luxury. We do not understand as a collective, that it can be taken away from us.

We know we are going to die someday, but we live like we are not. I am not going to tell you to abandon your office job, but i do suggest we change the way we work. Get outside, appreciate the fresh air and life. We do not have it forever.

Have an amazing day 🙂

We are incredibly lucky to be alive

This idea has always been around, but have you ever taken the time to really crate what you have?

This idea first popped into my head yesterday. It was a busy day at work, and I was getting stressed that I wasn’t able to do everything I wanted. This included: talking because I hadn’t done a lot of it in quarantine and all the work tasks that needed to be completed. My overwhelming fear and anxiety had stopped me from progressing, in the fear that I would be judged or misinterpreted due to my actions. This disability is present in many people, it can stop us from reaching our full potential.

But then, it hit me. An immeasurable level of gratitude hit my brain. I thought “Wow, I am incredibly lucky to be alive right now.” Out of all the sperm cells and eggs, it was those specific ones that were in the right place, at the right time , to create you. All the events that have occurred in your life, if any single one event was changed, it would change your entire personality; maybe only a bit, or to a large extent.

When you look around at everyone on this planet, no matter their status, we are all lucky to be here. Even through a pandemic, where we have lost many lives and continue to do so, those who are still here are lucky to be here. I think it is time more people realise how incredible this is.

With this revelation, I find myself pushing past those boundaries and doing what scares me the most. Whether that is singing, or telling jokes in front of others, I will do it, because I get to do this. Anxiety and fear begin to subside; they never really go away, but you pay less attention to them than you usually would.

So, remember when you’re feeling low, or need a confidence booster, the fact you are on the planet right now is a blessing in disguise; make the most of it whilst you’re here