We are incredibly lucky to be alive

This idea has always been around, but have you ever taken the time to really crate what you have?

This idea first popped into my head yesterday. It was a busy day at work, and I was getting stressed that I wasn’t able to do everything I wanted. This included: talking because I hadn’t done a lot of it in quarantine and all the work tasks that needed to be completed. My overwhelming fear and anxiety had stopped me from progressing, in the fear that I would be judged or misinterpreted due to my actions. This disability is present in many people, it can stop us from reaching our full potential.

But then, it hit me. An immeasurable level of gratitude hit my brain. I thought “Wow, I am incredibly lucky to be alive right now.” Out of all the sperm cells and eggs, it was those specific ones that were in the right place, at the right time , to create you. All the events that have occurred in your life, if any single one event was changed, it would change your entire personality; maybe only a bit, or to a large extent.

When you look around at everyone on this planet, no matter their status, we are all lucky to be here. Even through a pandemic, where we have lost many lives and continue to do so, those who are still here are lucky to be here. I think it is time more people realise how incredible this is.

With this revelation, I find myself pushing past those boundaries and doing what scares me the most. Whether that is singing, or telling jokes in front of others, I will do it, because I get to do this. Anxiety and fear begin to subside; they never really go away, but you pay less attention to them than you usually would.

So, remember when you’re feeling low, or need a confidence booster, the fact you are on the planet right now is a blessing in disguise; make the most of it whilst you’re here

YouTube detox

A month on from my last detox, that did not go that well in all honesty. My addiction to the internet, especially YouTube, has began to spike again. I find myself watching endless streams of videos, constantly refreshing my recommended tab; waiting for the next piece to catch my eye.

This has affected my health in ways that I did not know it could. I find that my screen time has increased by a large margin. Though I watch Anime on Crunchyroll, it is not as frequent as the Google site. I am now well aware of my existence, and how I am wasting it, consuming the success of others. I keep telling myself: I am better than this, I can do more. But I am always so hesitant to do so. It is like I need to go on there to be happy.

That isn’t right, I need to find true happiness within myself, not through objects. So, for the next 30 days, YouTube is off the table. I cannot go onto it for any necessary reasons.

It is time to see how strong my self control is.

This Chapter is ending…

This might sound ominous, but I do not want it to sound this way. When I say “this chapter” I am quite literally referring to this point in my life, because many changes are around the corner, and I won’t easily be able to go back to how I am now.

I have done a lot of growing and developmental work upon myself during the time known as “self-isolation and quarantine” and I value what I have been able to get out from it. For example, I discovered who my true friends were; those who stuck in contact with me throughout the coronacrisis ( I think this is a cooler name). It reminded me that I am loved and cared by others in my life, and I don’t need to be so reclusive to others, because I am not alone in life. I used to think so, I used to live in fear of being looked down on, but I don’t think this way anymore. The only opinions that matter to me are my friends, family and myself. If I am doing something that those around me don’t approve of, if I enjoy it ( and it is sensible in retrospect) then go for it.

One of the most important lessons is one of “moments mori” or to ‘remember death’. As morbid as it sounds, it holds me to the mark; to live each day, knowing that death only draws evercloser. It isolates my fear from me, allowing me to do activities I wouldn’t even dream of.

Another key lesson I learned about myself was that I have lied to myself and others a lot in the past. Whether to make myself, or others around me feel better, I had lost touch with the identity that is ‘me’.

Finally, I have learned what I love to do. Helping people, educating others and myself and being loved is things I adore about life. I have never wanted a relationship that much, besides the failures of asking girls out and whatnot. I’m purposely seeking for the woman of my dreams, I don’t know how long it will take us to find each other, but when we do, it will become clear.

Fate will guide everything to clarity, how that happens is on you.

#blacklivesmatter

With what was already going on in the world, the death of George Floyd a few days ago, has added to the spark which is the blacklivesmatter movement. The public resort to riots in situations where they feel ignored, and in this case it is shown. Prejudice and discrimination is highly present in our world still. It is 2020, this should not be happening, it should never have happened in the first place.

We can all wish for it to go away, but that won’t happen without action.

Support the people. There is only one race, the human race.

#blacklivesmatter

Can’t believe we made it. Thanks to everybody for reading, more are on the way!!! – HJT

The world is a bit crazy isn’t it?

With the whole world blowing up with all sorts of issues, i thought i would say something about life, to help us through these times.

I have started to think of my life as sort of a video game. Where i am playing as a character (myself) and have to progress through all levels to finish it. I like to think of it this way because i enjoy seeing different events as levels. It makes hopeless scenarios impossible; there are always solutions. It also makes life fun. As i am playing as myself, i realise how much i am in control of my destiny.

I am the only one who can get the “good ending” in my game…

I am starting to feel lonely…

This feeling was inevitable. The long term effects of quarantine and self isolation have shown to increase the feeling of loneliness. Where you feel so isolated in your everyday life, you don’t actively go out to interact with others.

This feeling began to spur within me when I started to notice the interactions I would have with my friends. The majority of the time, it would be me who started the conversations; and made efforts to keep it going. Upon my time offline, a very small amount of people had tried to communicate with me, whereas others ;who I had been speaking to for a while, tried nothing. It was a dissatisfied feeling, but I began to negotiate within myself why some may not have tried to contact. They may of had an incident happen in their life where priorities were changed, or something of more importance. It sounds like a childish excuse, but that is what I am; a 17 year old stuck at home in quarantine.

I have always struggled to make friends; to be consistent in connection with another is incredibly difficult for me to do, because I neglected my self-love for myself. I did not see myself as worthy of having friends, because I thought of myself as a horrible person. Now, after a lot of self development work, I am trying to change that opinion.

Anyway, back to my story. The global pandemic which we all are aware of has changed the lives of many. But, one of the key contenders in change has been the rise in psychological health issues. It isn’t surprising, when you’re stuck inside all the time, all you have is your thoughts as your comfort.

So, I have began to turn to the work of stoicism, in particular the message of controlling your emotions. If you let your emotions take hold of you, it is difficult to be logical and focussed. But, if you are aware of how you are feeling and control this, then you will be able to distribute your feelings in a comprehensible way for others (But, it is still a good idea to release your emotions once in a while).

What do I mean by this? Accept how you feel and do something about it. Don’t be irrational, take control and take action.

What will I do from now on?

Stop second guessing myself

Start to communicate with my friends how I feel

Begin to accept that I cannot change anyone

Understand that I am in control of my own life, and I can change myself into the best version possible

Have a great day! 🙂

My Truth.

I have taken this time away from my blog, to reflect on myself ,and how I portray myself online. surprisingly, I was shocked to see how much I didn’t know about myself, and how I think. So, I thought I would use this post to update the audience ( and myself) on some key information about myself.

  1. I am the most impulsive buyer I know.

When It comes to stuff I buy online, I like to think that I am careful with my money, and I don’t buy stupid stuff that I don’t need. This is what I like to think, the truth is very different. In the past, I have surcome to the odd gimmick on amazon, which makes me think ” oo! if I buy that, it will change my life forever”. Guess what it did change my life, it made me poorer.

2. I have (had) an addiction to buying and selling my stuff.

This is one of the most stupid phases I went through in my life. I would buy something I like, such as an Apple product or something I saw someone else have just to say I had it. I have had 5 Apple watches in total, 2 of which were the same series. I once had 3 phones, as well as my regular phone; just in case I wanted to change. Upon writing this down, I realise how stupid this is, I can’t believe I did this. But, it did teach me something, buy something when you really want it, and won’t get rid of it immediately. Also, if you bought something, and you don’t have it anymore, you probably don’t need it.

3. I am not a minimalist

Well, not in the way that you are thinking. For the past year, I tried to simplify my life, cutting down on things I didn’t need in my life. But, I soon realised, that I was extremely unhappy due to this. You see, I have a grudge when it comes to unorganised spaces. Call it mild OCD, or whatever, regardless I couldn’t stand it. I kept trying to compare myself to people online, such as Matt D’avella, Martin Boeme and Kraig Adams. They were happy, so why wasn’t I? I did the process of decluttering wrong; it took me too long to notice. I am a minimalist, in I appreciate the little things, and don’t consume too much of what I don’t care about. However, I have a better grasp on it, and I am happier for it.

4. I second guess myself all the time

Every damn day, I always second guess myself on what I am doing.

” Ah, I shouldn’t say that in case it gives a bad impression of me”

“Maybe I should go this way, but what if we get lost?”

“But what if, I should do this, but, but but….”

I can never be certain in myself, and trust my own intuition. Constantly, I compare myself to others to make sure I am making the right decisions. But this should not be the case anymore. I should be able to make my own decisions and do what I want, not what everybody else is doing.

5. I am a human.

Everybody makes mistakes, everybody is imperfect, and that is beautiful.

Rainy days

Today, it was raining quite a bit, and i thought i would use this time to explain why i love them so much. Clearly, lots of people have enjoyed the sun and the heat in the UK summer. Everywhere i go, the majority of people have tans and sunburns. It is great, however, the rain has many benefits as well.

For one, the rain has an amazing ability to cleanse the atmosphere of the heat. Coming from someone who suffers from hayfever, there is nothing i like more in the summertime than fresh air, that does not cause me to sneeze every two seconds.

Sigh, the truth is i wasn’t too sure about what to write about today. I have been writing so much recently, and i feel as though my creative spark has declined to a minimum. What is the point in doing something, when you have no ambition to do it. I can tell you, it sucks. Moreover, i have not been listening to my own advice. In this blog, i have spoken about following your passions, and taking a break when things get unenjoyable; which is not what i have been doing.

With everything that has been going on recently, i have realised how much the news has affected my mental health again. THe consistent flow of negativity has an impact on how you percieve things, such as the kindness of those around you. I need to be better when it comes to subjects such as this, so i will not be posting for a while. This is to let myself and my mind reinfigure itself, so i will come back better than ever.

See you later!!!

Birds and nature

Today, i was going to blog simply about getting outside in the morning to get some healthy vitamin d to start the day off right, but then something caught my eye. On the top of my window frame, a coal tit landed on the top, and began to sit there and eat. I thought it was astonishing, how this little creature has the capactity to fly at tenacious speeds, and then sit on top of my window like it was nothing. It was amazing!

I have never really studied birds. It was my uncle who first introduced the passionate admiration for these creatures. When we ( my sister and i) were younger, we would go on trips to go see different, rare species of birds. I did not appreciate it then, but i do now. Birds are awesome, and i am going to spend time learning all about them.

Moreover on the subject of nature, it is a breathtaking thing. When the sun rises and brightens anything and everything in its path, that is pure beauty and serenity. However, we take it all for granted now our lives are based indoors. Going out for a walk nad embracing the warm summers and cold winters is a luxury. We do not understand as a collective, that it can be taken away from us.

We know we are going to die someday, but we live like we are not. I am not going to tell you to abandon your office job, but i do suggest we change the way we work. Get outside, appreciate the fresh air and life. We do not have it forever.

Have an amazing day 🙂

Phones

This is a distinct predicament that i have had throughout the past few years of my life. Once i began to have my own income, through my job, i began to frivolously spend money on objects i don’t need. This hit its peak towards the end of 2019, where i had the ingenius idea to have a no spend year. So, i thought it would be a good idea to spend all my money on what i needed, or wanted to have for the year. Obviously, this did not go according to plan, and i still spend money throughout this year; not as much, but i still do .

My phone contract was going to end in late 2020, and i thought i should buy my new phone outright before it ends. Then, i could get a cheap sim card to save money.

But that is when the issue started, i bought 3 new phones.

WHY DID I DO THIS?!

Not only did i have less money than beforehand due to this, i also disliked all that i had bought. I began to view the phones as a failure to self control. I hated myself for my mistakes.

But, after this, i had an amazing idea. Instead of holding onto the phones that held no value in my life, i decided to give to those who needed it. My friend didn’t have a phone because he couldn’t afford it, so i gave one to him. I gave another to someone else, whose mother couldn’t afford to have a phone due to spending all her money on her family. Obviously, this is not a scenario i find myself in, i am in a better situation, and i am grateful for it.

The final phone, i returned back to the supplier for a refund. Although, this may seem selfish, it gave me permission to reflect on all that i had done, and i learned something from it.

Items do not cause happiness. They can help, they can cause preliminary happiness, but not continuous. Giving and helping others does cause true happiness.
Who could you help today?

Feedback on my last post

This is just a short update, but i wanted to go into detail about the feedback from my last post. It has been viewed many times, and has led to me reevaluating the future of this blog.

In the beginning, i used this blog to make productivity posts, and how to improve your life. I realise now this is not the case entirely any more. I want this blog to allow me to write more about my life. This isn’t just because of selfishness, but it is due to me wanting to elaborate more on my life, then apply that to advising you, the viewers.

I truly love this blog, but i want it to be a document for what has happened in my life. So, when i am older, i can look back on what i accomplished here, and smile.

Memories are everything, this blog will keep them alive forever.

Have a great day! Happy Independence day!

My story with X

This is a story i have been meaning to write for a long, long time. It was one of the main things that happened to me during my secondary school years, but i was afraid to write about it. Now, since it has been a while since then, i think it is time.

I want you to picture a teenage girl; slim and model-like. This would be the girl that all the boys would turn to in the school, if she made herself more known to them. She would absolutely be in the popular group, but she isnt, due to being quite introverted. We will call her ” Anne”.

Anne was one of the girls in my school, who you knew who she was, but didn’t really know her. She would always be laughing, hanging around with people ( mainly girls) and overall having a good time.

It wasn’t until the start of sixth form, that my experience with Anne began. I didn’t really know her before, because she was in a different class to me – we had a big school. Although she was in my friend group, i had no reason to talk to her, i was too busy trying to act cool with my friends.

Anyway, the start of sixth form arrives, and Anne and I happen to choose the same A level courses. Great! It means i get to know a new person and hopefully, we become friends. Small talk began, and we instantly clicked as friends. I would talk to her a lot more around school and in class. I thought she was just nice.

It was only when i began to remember what happened to my friends with their experience with her.

You see, Anne was quite a outgoing woman. She had previously sent ‘revealing’ photos of herself to boys in the past. She had a reputation of a girl who had been around the block. This didn’t bother me, because people change. Sure enough, she had stopped doing that. Great!

Only it wasn’t. Anne had began showing interest in another of my friends, and began to manipulate him psychologically for a long time. Once i noticed this, i realised that she had done this with two other boys in Year 11. I was shocked, and disappointed to know that she had hurt other people. From then on, i had decided that i didn’t like her. In fact, i said on many occasions that i hated her, though she had never done anything to me.

This led me into a downward spiral in Year 12. I began to become depressed. I didn’t like that i had all these negative emotions inside myself about others. I was supposed to be the one who helped others, but now i am shaming them? I tried to convince myself that this was normal, but i soon acknowledged that what i was doing; was for selfish reasons.

Then Year 13 began, and i hit a hard reset on myself. I didn’t want to be mean anymore, and i most certainly did not want to make myself feel horrible again. When i crossed paths with Anne again, i remembered our last encounters. I had began to develop a sort of crush for Anne. She would be flirtatous with me on the train ride home; holding my hand and once kissing me on the cheek. I thought she liked me, but she had a boyfriend. Upon uncovering this, i quickly backed down from my beahviour, though the urge still remained.

Then began a long stretch of time where Anne and I would be off and on with our friendship. Be best friends, then hate each other the next day.

This all changed in one maths lesson, when she caressed near my private area. I didn’t know how to feel. I thought it was a joke, but i was also horrified to know that she did this to me. My mind began to explode with thought. I didn’t know how i felt about anything anymore. The world became a dim fog within my mind. My grades began to fall, and i couldn’t stay focussed on a single subject. Most my friends passed it off as ‘getting lucky’. I was finally getting with the girls! I didn’t feel this way. I felt awful. I felt like she liked me, so i tried to flirt with her, but this backfired, for me and for her.

The negative feelings came back to me, but this time, i realised it. I began to understand how i was feeling; realising i had to take a step back to take steps forward.

This is when lockdown started.

I had the chance to overview how i have been acting; to step back and evaluate how my actions had affected myself and others. The consequence of acting abnormally around Anne, meant i could no longer form meaningful relationships. So, to combat this, i put a lot of work into extending my social circle, meeting new people and forming new relationships. I had to prove to myself, that i was better than the standard i had set for myself.

This story was originally going to base more around the character of Anne, but this blog is my story, to show how i have grown. Call it self-obsession, i call it an obsession with the development of the human brain. We act and we learn; i love it.

Finally, the story ends with me discussing this with Anne herself, explaining to her how she made me feel. Due to quarantine, we have had the chance to grow up a lot. She apologised, and so did i.

The story is left in the past, but the lessons i learned will follow with me for the rest of my life. I will never try to control others, undermine them or envoke hate on them for no reasons. Being in control of your emotions, and letting yourself be aware when you are angered, or upset, is what leads to a happier life.

Thank you Anne. It may have taken a long time, but you helped make me who i am. I am stronger and happier because of it.