This idea of moving on, and not letting the past dictate who you are, used to scare me. I didn’t think it was possible, or right to not think about shit that has happened in your life. Isn’t it the experiences you have the definition of you? If that is the case, you need your past to exist.
That is what i used to think, but i think my view has changed a little.
Moving on from your past, does not mean you abandon the events that led you to the situation that we call the present. Rather, moving on from the past means leaving the suffering and pain from events, whilst keeping the positives and lessons learned with you until your future.
I have written about myself and my Grandma before, and for a long time i remembered all the bad stuff i did. Yes, i was a lot younger, and did not understand the fragility of life, but i was a mean person. I lived in fear that my guilt will manifest into something big. Upon reflecting however, i realised i just wanted something to happen to me. I craved the attention of higher beings. Having a childhood, where you are absorbed into the lives of others; through YouTube vlogs and videos, plus television and online media, makes anything possible.
Now, i realised, that a lot has happened to me, yet i did not notice it. The friendships, the drama and the disagreements, are all large events that have happened to me in my life. Due to these being unoticed, i did not learn from them. I could feel myself being trapped in the past. The little boy, who wanted the world to listen to him, to fufil his desires, was angry. This made me feel isolated and upset, though it taught me a good lesson.
The little boy needs someone to hold him, to tell him that the world is listening. He just needed to take his hands off his ears and listen.
This someone is me.
For too long, i have lived if there were two people inside of me. One, who looked out and protected everyone, so they would not feel the same fear he felt everyday. The other is the little boy, who still dreams of the distant stars, and running with his friends. One is happy, the other is not.
These people must become one, if i am ever to move on in my life.
My advice to you, don’t run from your past, let yourself feel it, embrace it and be grateful that it happened. Grab the little child inside your heart, and hold them, so they know they are not alone.
You are not alone.