My Life so far…

It is amazing how much you can change once you’ve stepped back from something you have pursued; given everything to make it successful. This blog, my personal document of my stories and the lessons I learnt, was my cathartic method to let how I was feeling out into the world.

As you can probably tell, I haven’t written on here in a while. It is nothing for me to be ashamed of, though I could’ve written a bit quicker, I’ve enjoyed the process of life happening, not everything has to happen on a screen.

So, here are a few things I have learnt during my time off from writing

  • You cannot change the people around you.

I had to learn this the hard way. It was in a situation with my parents. We were discussing a story about something quite powerful concerning subjects such as: race, sexual identification and orientation etc. We did not agree on a few aspects, having the naivety in my mind, I thought I would be able to change how they think so they would think like me. This is an incredible way to get slapped in the face. You cannot change people to think or feel as you do. It is impossible due to the overwhelming individuality that we all feel. In other words, we are all unique. So using passive aggressiveness and derogatory language to make someone feel bad in order to change their mind, is wrong. Life is too short to worry about other people’s thoughts, only worry how you can change your own.

  • Rules sometimes have to be broken.

I learned this quite recently once coming out of quarantine, heading back to work. Recently, one of my friends had become very depressed, to the point of suicide was plaguing their mind. One day ( because we work together) just before we close, they broke down in front of my boss and me. Obviously, with government guidelines, we are not supposed to hug and comfort others; to keep social distance. But, in this scenario, there is no choice. I would rather comfort a dear friend of mine, instead of watching them suffer alone.

  1. You don’t need to be consuming content all the time.

This lesson is only starting to be embedded in my head. With the abundance of content online, it is hard to tell yourself that you should not watch it; or need it. This is my problem with YouTube. After watching it consistently since the site began, and obsession for it began to devolve into a need for content in my life. I began to see the negative effects around me when i saw how it affected my parents when I would ignore them and keep staring at my phone. DO NOT DO THIS. Trust me, this habit is not one you want to form.

  • Before you buy something, assess all the benefits and positives before buying.

Amounting all the stuff I have bought over the years, then compare it to the stuff I actually kept, I have realised how much money I have wasted. The impulsivity that I have in my hand is terrifying. To my knowledge, there are only few things you need to have a comfortable life; technology and the latest gimmick is not one of them. So, assess all the benefits and drawbacks of a purchase before you try to buy it.

  • You shouldn’t try to change anything about yourself to please others.

The most important skill I am beginning to develop is self confidence. In scenarios where I am not the “top dog” or well known, having that self confidence in myself is really important if I am to become more open and begin to believe in myself.

So when you next look at yourself in the mirror, understand that there are always things you need to work on, but changing your personality; forcefully to adhere to others is impossible. Instead, focus on the minor changes that you can do with your habits and attitude towards buying and how you communicate with others. Be loving and caring towards others, but do not forget to love yourself. That is the only way to become the best version of you.

YouTube detox

A month on from my last detox, that did not go that well in all honesty. My addiction to the internet, especially YouTube, has began to spike again. I find myself watching endless streams of videos, constantly refreshing my recommended tab; waiting for the next piece to catch my eye.

This has affected my health in ways that I did not know it could. I find that my screen time has increased by a large margin. Though I watch Anime on Crunchyroll, it is not as frequent as the Google site. I am now well aware of my existence, and how I am wasting it, consuming the success of others. I keep telling myself: I am better than this, I can do more. But I am always so hesitant to do so. It is like I need to go on there to be happy.

That isn’t right, I need to find true happiness within myself, not through objects. So, for the next 30 days, YouTube is off the table. I cannot go onto it for any necessary reasons.

It is time to see how strong my self control is.

Being Truthful

I think one of the best qualities human beings have, is the ability to tell the truth (You probably could have guessed that from the title) . This ability is highly underrated, the human conscience has this power, that no other species has; truth.

I found that i am the happiest when i tell the truth. There is nothing worse than lying to someone you care about; or anyone for the matter. Lying creates a false image of one’s self, perplexing another’s belief about you. One of the worst lies i have ever told myself was always to do with relationships. Saying statements such as ” i have a girlfriend, she just goes to my climbing school”. Call it manipulative, but if anyone came close to discovering the truth, i would panic, and create a scenario where: we suddenly broke up!

The last lie before i called it quits was about a girl who lived on my street. Someone had called me gay a few days before. Although i am hetrosexual, my sister used to call me this when i was younger constantly, making me insecure and worried about my personality and appearance, hence i began to identify it as an insult. Due to this, i changed my voice and personality to make myself more masculine. I was ashamed in myself. I would watch ” How to be a proper Man” videos on YouTube, so i could learn what it means to be one. I thought i always had to be dating someone, so i would make fake relationships with people. This was the peak of my insecurities in my life.

I thought this would make me happy, it didn’t and it made people view me as a man who dated loads of girls, but couldn’t keep a stable relationship. The truth is, i haven’t been in a proper relationship ever. I have briefly dated girls in the past, and i am talking to one girl at the moment, but nothing proper.

I spent so long searching what it meant to be a man, when what a real man does is tell the truth.

I would lie because i was scared. I told my friends that my biological father was dead because i was ashamed of his alcoholism.

My advice to everyone reading, stop telling lies. It doesn’t improve your image, it backfires on you eventually. Also, be weary what you call your friends, some phrases could make them more insecure than they let on.

Just think before you act.