Onwards and Upwards!

I am back! This time better than ever.

I do feel a bit of guilt for abandoning this blog, but I found it was the right thing to do since all that has been happening over the past few weeks.

So, I have been studying at my university for my assignments that were due in just before Christmas. They have been lots of hard work, but I have found them to be rewarding once you hit the ” Submit” button. Before, back in Secondary school, I would not care as much when it came to homework and tasks. I would do them as soon as I got them yes, but I would not soak in the information from the tasks to apply this to my understanding. This made them pointless.

This is one of the first things i have begun to comprehend, is to Engage with your work. What i mean by this is to not only complete your homework, or tasks, but to consider “What is this telling me?”.

Let’s say for example, you are doing a maths question, focussed around pythagoras’ theorem. You answer the question. Done, easy peasy and off to relax-town. But, if you asked yourself what it was teaching you, it would become clear the task was showing you when to use it, on right-angled triangles only!

Besides the maths lesson, looking at the bigger picture should always be at the forefront of your mind. Not to the point where you overthink life entirely, but enough for you to learn the reasoning behind certain actions and tasks.

In social situations, the ‘bigger’ picture concerns the “Why” in people’s behaviour. For example, I was driving on the dual carriageway recently, and this woman was constantly beeping at me. I was driving at 70, and was following the road rules, but I couldn’t understand why she was beeping. I could easily get angry and try to react, but I thought to myself, I don’t know this woman, something may have happened in her life to make her act this way. People should be treated the way they wish to be treated, but if others fail to meet that criteria, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, remember I’m not a guru.

My story with X

This is a story i have been meaning to write for a long, long time. It was one of the main things that happened to me during my secondary school years, but i was afraid to write about it. Now, since it has been a while since then, i think it is time.

I want you to picture a teenage girl; slim and model-like. This would be the girl that all the boys would turn to in the school, if she made herself more known to them. She would absolutely be in the popular group, but she isnt, due to being quite introverted. We will call her ” Anne”.

Anne was one of the girls in my school, who you knew who she was, but didn’t really know her. She would always be laughing, hanging around with people ( mainly girls) and overall having a good time.

It wasn’t until the start of sixth form, that my experience with Anne began. I didn’t really know her before, because she was in a different class to me – we had a big school. Although she was in my friend group, i had no reason to talk to her, i was too busy trying to act cool with my friends.

Anyway, the start of sixth form arrives, and Anne and I happen to choose the same A level courses. Great! It means i get to know a new person and hopefully, we become friends. Small talk began, and we instantly clicked as friends. I would talk to her a lot more around school and in class. I thought she was just nice.

It was only when i began to remember what happened to my friends with their experience with her.

You see, Anne was quite a outgoing woman. She had previously sent ‘revealing’ photos of herself to boys in the past. She had a reputation of a girl who had been around the block. This didn’t bother me, because people change. Sure enough, she had stopped doing that. Great!

Only it wasn’t. Anne had began showing interest in another of my friends, and began to manipulate him psychologically for a long time. Once i noticed this, i realised that she had done this with two other boys in Year 11. I was shocked, and disappointed to know that she had hurt other people. From then on, i had decided that i didn’t like her. In fact, i said on many occasions that i hated her, though she had never done anything to me.

This led me into a downward spiral in Year 12. I began to become depressed. I didn’t like that i had all these negative emotions inside myself about others. I was supposed to be the one who helped others, but now i am shaming them? I tried to convince myself that this was normal, but i soon acknowledged that what i was doing; was for selfish reasons.

Then Year 13 began, and i hit a hard reset on myself. I didn’t want to be mean anymore, and i most certainly did not want to make myself feel horrible again. When i crossed paths with Anne again, i remembered our last encounters. I had began to develop a sort of crush for Anne. She would be flirtatous with me on the train ride home; holding my hand and once kissing me on the cheek. I thought she liked me, but she had a boyfriend. Upon uncovering this, i quickly backed down from my beahviour, though the urge still remained.

Then began a long stretch of time where Anne and I would be off and on with our friendship. Be best friends, then hate each other the next day.

This all changed in one maths lesson, when she caressed near my private area. I didn’t know how to feel. I thought it was a joke, but i was also horrified to know that she did this to me. My mind began to explode with thought. I didn’t know how i felt about anything anymore. The world became a dim fog within my mind. My grades began to fall, and i couldn’t stay focussed on a single subject. Most my friends passed it off as ‘getting lucky’. I was finally getting with the girls! I didn’t feel this way. I felt awful. I felt like she liked me, so i tried to flirt with her, but this backfired, for me and for her.

The negative feelings came back to me, but this time, i realised it. I began to understand how i was feeling; realising i had to take a step back to take steps forward.

This is when lockdown started.

I had the chance to overview how i have been acting; to step back and evaluate how my actions had affected myself and others. The consequence of acting abnormally around Anne, meant i could no longer form meaningful relationships. So, to combat this, i put a lot of work into extending my social circle, meeting new people and forming new relationships. I had to prove to myself, that i was better than the standard i had set for myself.

This story was originally going to base more around the character of Anne, but this blog is my story, to show how i have grown. Call it self-obsession, i call it an obsession with the development of the human brain. We act and we learn; i love it.

Finally, the story ends with me discussing this with Anne herself, explaining to her how she made me feel. Due to quarantine, we have had the chance to grow up a lot. She apologised, and so did i.

The story is left in the past, but the lessons i learned will follow with me for the rest of my life. I will never try to control others, undermine them or envoke hate on them for no reasons. Being in control of your emotions, and letting yourself be aware when you are angered, or upset, is what leads to a happier life.

Thank you Anne. It may have taken a long time, but you helped make me who i am. I am stronger and happier because of it.