Are you in love with someone?

This is a genuine question i like to ask people, because it can reveal a lot about someone.

Being in love with someone is a difficult concept to divide. There are many different ways to love someone. You can instinctually care for others on this shared planet, and “love” that they are just as lucky to be here as yourself, cherishing their existence, but not having any real connection with them bar life. Or, there is self love, where you accept yourself for your own being, appreciating you for you and not for anybody else.

I haven’t begun to talk about loving other people romantically, because that is the hardest way to love someone, on the same level as unconditional love.

My biological father, is one of those people I love unconditionally. Though he may not be apart of my life, and he has made many shortcomings throughout my childhood, I still love him. There was a time last year, where I resented him, and was filled with nothing but hatred for him, wishing every evil upon him. I thought I was becoming like him, but I realised that I am my own person, and I choose how I act. Could you argue that this is self-love? Yes, but it is something I am working on. We’ve only got one life, so what is the point in resenting yourself and others?

Back to the question at hand, being in love with someone is hard to decipher than being in love with the idea of someone.

There has been many times where my imagination takes ahold of my beliefs, I imagine what it would be like to be with someone, and how amazing it would be. To the story about my old flatmate, she was someone I had imagined being with, but when it came close to this being a reality, I realised how wrong perceptions can be. Not everything is as cut-clear as it may pose to be; don’t trust everything from a bird’s eye, you have to be on the ground to understand.

So, telling the difference between these two concepts takes time. You may need to talk to yourself to understand this. Do I really love this person, or am I love with the idea of them, and how I perceive them to be.

You also leave yourself vulnerable to rejection. If you set your expectations too high, you are likely to be disappointed. There was this one girl , whom I thought was perfect for me. But when it came to the moment of asking her out, she said no. When I use the word rejection, it really holds no value. Being rejected isn’t being rejected, you were never owed something in the first place. But, it can feel like rejection, which is difficult to overcome.

Love takes time to brew. There is the phrase “love at first sight”. Though I have never experienced that, I do know that true love is not instant. Take my parents for example. Occasionally they fall out and argue, but they are each other’s anchors, and can come back from anything. Saying this aloud would cause for some kind of failsafe, such as “touch wood” or crossing fingers, but I believe this to be the case. True love is one where nothing can shatter it, or something so terrible could cause an imbalance.

You can love someone too much, which disrupts the balance and can cause destruction. This is why true love is a balance.

After all these mini discussions, it can be shown that love isn’t black and white. So when I ask “Are you in love with someone?”, think deep down what love means to you.

Once you unlock true love, you’ll know, and you won’t let it go.

So, are you in love with someone? Or are you in love with something else?

My Drama At My Old Flat.

This has taken me a while to write about, but I think I am ready to talk about it.

So, backstory. I started talking to this girl back in June/ July time in 2020. We were on the same University course, and also the same flat! I thought she was quite pretty, but I wasn’t talking to her because of that reason. She was really cool, and made me laugh a lot.

We would FaceTime almost every day, besides the days where we would be on a phone call when she was walking her dog. It was cool. Before this, I had never really spoken to anybody on the phone before, I had that anxiety, but she definitely helped dissipate that.

It wasn’t until August, where our first hurdle began. Once of my school friends had recently started talking to her. They were not going to the same Uni, nor were they anywhere near each other. I felt a vein of jealousy, but I was more concerned for her. This friend had never displayed any creepy vibes, but I was unsure of his intentions. Eventually, I asked her to stop talking to him, it did make me feel uncomfortable. At this time, we had specified that we did not want a relationship or anything other than friends between each other.

Before University started, we did stop talking as much and calling. This was a result of my feelings being blatantly obvious. But, when I recall, I wasn’t that star struck.

Then it came to moving in. We were so excited to see each other. Though we had been talking the night before, it was ungodly weird to see her in real life. I was so awkward and nervous, though I knew her so well.

Then, the second day came about, we were set to do drinks in the night. I had met up with my friend during the day, which was awesome. But, once I got back we were ready to go. Obviously it started slowly, I’m not much of a drinker, but thought I should have a few at least. It got to around 10pm, and the idea suddenly sprung up in her mind of sleeping with me. Bearing in mind that neither of us were drunk, we were quite sober, I was shocked to hear it. As the night went on, I thought I should go to bed, as I have lectures in the morning. She blocked the door, and did not want me to leave. As she kept drinking, and I did too, she asked me again, and I said to her, “We are too drunk, we should talk about this when we were sober”. This was how I truly felt, and she respected that.

The night turned, and one of my flatmates had thrown up everywhere on the floor. Whilst they dealt with cleaning it up, I had started to feel incredibly drunk and sick. Being a non drinker, this feeling was weird! Once this was sorted, one of my other flatmate’s entertained the idea of myself and “her”. I still said no. Then we got the drunk flatmate sorted, but this time it was close to 2 AM in the morning. I was exhausted and drunk. This same idea came up again, to the point where she came onto me and sent everyone to bed. Long story short, nothing much happened after that. We were way too tired, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

After this night, everything changed. I had a lot to think about, since she had mentioned she “loved” me at one point in the night. My feelings were confused and unclear. We spoke the next morning, both clarified that we shouldn’t do it again, cool the air was clear. I said the night was fun, though it got interpreted as if I was talking about her. Rule #1: Always specify what you are talking about. It became increasingly awkward between myself and her, I wanted to give her space, when she wanted me to comfort her. We even recorded a tik tok together of the ghost meme, it was really funny, but it was so forced that it was uncomfortable. She was still upset, after speaking to the other flatmate, she told me her distress.

So, I did what any person would do. I apologised a few times. Rule #2: Never apologise when you don’t know why you are apologising. It made the responses come across disingenuous and rude, hence the situation escalated.

This is where it gets out of hand. I began to feel a sense of isolation from the rest of my flat. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, it would become desolate and quiet. I realised this straight away, trying to ignore it. But after some time, it didn’t work.

I started hiding in my room, only going into the kitchen when nobody was there. I cooked all of my meals when nobody was there, 6 AM in the morning. It takes a lot for me to be down, but my mind was out of control then. I would overthink everything, to the point where I felt as if my brain would explode.

So, I left. After 3 weeks, I left my flat. She spoke to me on my train journey home, and it seemed like we cleared up the air. I felt good, deserving my break.

After this, the state of COVID got worse, and we were about to go into another Lockdown. Obviously, I wasn’t going to go back to uni now, there was no point, and I did not want to be stuck there. Staying at home with my parents, was the best decision I made all year. It gave me time to think about what I’ve done, and what I want to do. I want to create, I want to live and give 100%. But I can’t do that living in my percieved failure. I thought everything was my fault. Basically, I thought I had ruined her life.

It took a shimmer of light to get me out of this hole; my mother. I spoke to her about the issue, and how I felt about it all. She asked me one simple question ” What have you done wrong?”. I went upstairs and wrote it down, when I looked at it, I realised I had not done much wrong. I’m not perfect, but everything wasn’t my fault. My escape rope was given to me, and I clung onto it with two hands. Rule #3: Talk to those you trust about your problems.

Another week passes, and I reach out to her, to ask how she is doing. Just after the party, I did bombard her with texts, trying to be over-friendly, to act as though we were over it, in reality we weren’t. She replied with the usual one word answer, but when I brought up that we still have to live together, she responded fully. She said (paraphrase) usually those when they make a fuck up as big as this, they are cut immediately from her life. This was my breaking limit, and I exploded in my response, outlining how this was not just my fault, in reality nothing much happened, but the situation had escalated out-of-hand. Rule #4: Always stand up for yourself.

As I have spoken about in a previous blog, I felt like I had finally left my hole, there was only one more thing to do, leave the flat. I had learned so much, and hurt a lot too. But, in a weird way, I’m kind of grateful that it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think I would have met the amazing people I have, spoken to my biological father, or learned so much about myself that I can break past my previous boundaries. I am not the same person, I think I am a better person because of it. Rule #5 There is gratitude to be found in every situation.

I have no hate towards any of those involved, but this post is a cathartic way of ‘closing the chapter’ as my mum phrased it.

Let’s go.

Thank you so much for reading this, take care!

Note: I’m not a guru!