We are our Memories

When I was writing in my journal this morning, an interesting thought came up that I have not recognised before.

On my laptop, there were files from when I was in school. My School Parliament documents, economics power points, and even some maths homework. It looked like my whole adolescent education experience had been saved and documented on my laptop. It was baffling, because I had not realised how much I had saved over the years.

Going through those files, felt as though I was looking back on my own life. In some of those transcripts, and action points from meetings, I could tell how much I did not want to do it. I could tell how I was feeling just through a few sentences on a screen. This was scary, but it was helpful to reconcile my position in the world today.

I think I have done a lot of growing up; as naive as it sounds. I would not be where I am today, without the struggle, the uncomfortableness and for the friends who believed in me. Like for everyone, I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be; we are always changing in life.

The message that can be gathered from this experience is it is okay to let go of your past. I did not realise how much I was holding on to the Secondary school life that I once had. Sometimes, I would wish to be transported back in time to those academic years; just to live out one more day.

The truth is, I can’t do that. I don’t think I would want to anymore because it would be too sad, and it shaped me at the time, but not now.

We are our own memories, it is good to write them down in a journal, or on a computer, because memories help create our identity.

Entitlement

I’ve always had this idea in my head, that if you do something nice for another person, the good karma could be reciprocated in some other form. For example, I was at the shops one day; buying some chocolate to eat on the way back to school. My card got declined, and I was panicking because there was a queue that was beginning to form. Unexpectedly, the man behind me decided he was going to pay for my stuff as well as his. I was shocked, I had never experienced this level of generosity in my life with the general public. This man didn’t know me, but he still decided to help me.

Once I had thanked the man, I left and composed myself outside. The man walked up to me and said “Just one thing mate, pass it on”. That was the moment I realised his message; do nice things without expecting a result.

These days, it can feel as though the whole world is incredibly selfish. If you ask how many donate to charity, the numbers are far lower than expected. So when I witness this man being astonishingly nice, I want to pay it forward.

That’s what I did, paying for somebody else’s shopping and donating to charity. Though this was a big deal for me, I do not see this as an achievement. We should all be giving to one another. It seems as though the concept of “one world” to share has been lost. Let’s try to fix that.

Today, I would like each of you to do one good thing for somebody else. It can be small or big, but you mustn’t expect a reward from doing it. Just being kind out of the kindness in your heart should be enough.

Take care 🙂

Remember to Live

I wanted to tell all of you about the meaning of this phrase in a bit more detail, mainly what it means to me.

For the majority of my childhood, i have felt as though I have wasted my time. I preferred being inside, couped up in my bedroom online; not talking to anyone, only listening to others. By no means was it was because of a tough childhood, I just wanted to escape from reality. So I would spend, every moment of my day, watching what others had created, not realising how fast has passed me by. One minute I’m 13, watching YouTube on my Mum’s computer, now I’m 18 and I am doing that in my room. When I reflect on the timeline here, what has truly changed within me?

There is one thing, I have learned to love myself.

It’s like Marmite, you either love it or hate it; same with the phrase above. I am slowly learning how my time spent on irrelevant topics has consumed my life. I’ve probably spent more time online, than I have speaking to my parents, and that isn’t right. I should clarify, when I say online, I mean being isolated, just viewing, not communicating with others.

But, I have learned to appreciate myself just that bit more. I realise now that I should not do this to myself, and instead start pursuing something where I actively speak to others. There is a quote, that I always try to remember. “It’s good to remember death, but what is more important is remember to Live”.

I think that is something we should all account for in our lives. Remember to live, and not let life live without you in it. Disengagement is easy, but it is the worst place to be.

Live ❤

Cry.

Hey reader! Hope you’re doing well.

I wanted to remind you that it is okay to express your emotions. There has been times in my life, where I have been unaware of my true feelings. They had been suppressed, covered up by my subconscious. But there is a way to unlock these every once in a while.

This is to cry.

Well it can be, but it is any way for any person to release their emotions in a safe way. Crying is something many people find effective, and something I had forgotten about.

It may just be me, but there is conditioned response to stop myself from crying. I’ve never really done it as I was embarrassed to, I was quite the cryer when I was younger due to some personal issues.

So I was embarrassed? Who cares? The important thing is I’ve recognised this, understanding my mentality. I don’t have to act so manly or grown up. Even adults cry.

It’s good, even if you’re not crying about the issue, it exposes your subconscious. Maybe you’ll find out something important about yourself through it.

So please, don’t hide your emotions, they are apart of you.

Dating

I wanted to stress some thing , which is very easy to overlook.

Dating is great. You get to meet cool people, get to know them even better, and have a wonderful time with them. Not to mention, the other things.

But there seems to be this trend, especially with people my age, where you always have to be dating. This isn’t true, for some reason it’s becoming the norm.

I’m no dating expert myself, but from what I do know is there is no rush to find the perfect person. With apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, they want you to find a date. Sometimes, you are not ready to be dating someone, maybe you need to give yourself time to grow.

I started noticing this about a year ago l, when I’d be taking to a girl, and then would evaluate what I was saying; I wasn’t a man, I was a boy, with a feeble understanding of the real world. With that mindset, no girl is going to change your mind.

There’s always this rush to be in things. The rush to be in a relationship, the rush to hold someone before anybody else. If there is someone out there for you, let them know, but remember to check if you’re okay too. Life is too short to not go for chances, but it’s also too short if you mess them all up.

Go with your gut. But when you’re dating, check that you’re in the right place to date.

Growing Up

I may have touched on this topic before, But this evening I have realised the sad truth that I cannot act how I used to.

By now, my fellow readers would realise that I, like many of you, have been addicted to the Internet for all my life. I would spend hours online, watching and reading a whole load of bogus. This has amounted to my mind being filled with unecessary information that I do not require. It’s the sad truth, but do I really need to know a rumour that Jeffree Star slept with Kanye West? No, I didn’t think so.

This realisation means we have to cut the “fun” out of our lives, but instead, we have to moderate it. I have dreams and goals that I have not been pursuing to the maximum. That makes me sad, because I am wasting my time, and my life.

There is so much of life that I haven’t got to see yet. So many people and destinations I want to go to. I’m worried if I spend my life just stuck where I am now, nothing will change.

It’s funny. We spend so much time viewing others living the life we want to live, yet we don’t pursue it for ourselves. That is something I want to do from now. At the most heinous route, this careless attitude I have had is an act against self-love.

This is something everybody should focus on. If you do not love yourself and take care of yourself, then how can you expect yourself to take care of others?

Control yourself when it comes to acts of immediate pleasure which delegate away from the right decision. There is only so much our bodies and minds can endure before a total breakdown. As a collective and individual, we must get atop that.

Finally, on this post, I wanted to remind you all that I, am not perfect. I use this blog to explain my flaws and actions to combat them. There is the possibility that this mindset may fail, or I may slip up. That is fine, and it should not get you down, if this happens to you. I want us all to participate in a challenge I will be starting. It’s called “Deep Thought”.

For the next 30 days, I would like everyone to do these things:

  1. Find a time for mindfulness practice for at least 15 minutes
  2. Use this time to figure out what is the best action you should take next, write it down.
  3. When you come across a junction, think what is the best thing for my mind and body, choose that option. DO NOT GO FOR THE EASY OPTION!

Good luck ! 🙂

Are you in love with someone?

This is a genuine question i like to ask people, because it can reveal a lot about someone.

Being in love with someone is a difficult concept to divide. There are many different ways to love someone. You can instinctually care for others on this shared planet, and “love” that they are just as lucky to be here as yourself, cherishing their existence, but not having any real connection with them bar life. Or, there is self love, where you accept yourself for your own being, appreciating you for you and not for anybody else.

I haven’t begun to talk about loving other people romantically, because that is the hardest way to love someone, on the same level as unconditional love.

My biological father, is one of those people I love unconditionally. Though he may not be apart of my life, and he has made many shortcomings throughout my childhood, I still love him. There was a time last year, where I resented him, and was filled with nothing but hatred for him, wishing every evil upon him. I thought I was becoming like him, but I realised that I am my own person, and I choose how I act. Could you argue that this is self-love? Yes, but it is something I am working on. We’ve only got one life, so what is the point in resenting yourself and others?

Back to the question at hand, being in love with someone is hard to decipher than being in love with the idea of someone.

There has been many times where my imagination takes ahold of my beliefs, I imagine what it would be like to be with someone, and how amazing it would be. To the story about my old flatmate, she was someone I had imagined being with, but when it came close to this being a reality, I realised how wrong perceptions can be. Not everything is as cut-clear as it may pose to be; don’t trust everything from a bird’s eye, you have to be on the ground to understand.

So, telling the difference between these two concepts takes time. You may need to talk to yourself to understand this. Do I really love this person, or am I love with the idea of them, and how I perceive them to be.

You also leave yourself vulnerable to rejection. If you set your expectations too high, you are likely to be disappointed. There was this one girl , whom I thought was perfect for me. But when it came to the moment of asking her out, she said no. When I use the word rejection, it really holds no value. Being rejected isn’t being rejected, you were never owed something in the first place. But, it can feel like rejection, which is difficult to overcome.

Love takes time to brew. There is the phrase “love at first sight”. Though I have never experienced that, I do know that true love is not instant. Take my parents for example. Occasionally they fall out and argue, but they are each other’s anchors, and can come back from anything. Saying this aloud would cause for some kind of failsafe, such as “touch wood” or crossing fingers, but I believe this to be the case. True love is one where nothing can shatter it, or something so terrible could cause an imbalance.

You can love someone too much, which disrupts the balance and can cause destruction. This is why true love is a balance.

After all these mini discussions, it can be shown that love isn’t black and white. So when I ask “Are you in love with someone?”, think deep down what love means to you.

Once you unlock true love, you’ll know, and you won’t let it go.

So, are you in love with someone? Or are you in love with something else?

My Drama At My Old Flat.

This has taken me a while to write about, but I think I am ready to talk about it.

So, backstory. I started talking to this girl back in June/ July time in 2020. We were on the same University course, and also the same flat! I thought she was quite pretty, but I wasn’t talking to her because of that reason. She was really cool, and made me laugh a lot.

We would FaceTime almost every day, besides the days where we would be on a phone call when she was walking her dog. It was cool. Before this, I had never really spoken to anybody on the phone before, I had that anxiety, but she definitely helped dissipate that.

It wasn’t until August, where our first hurdle began. Once of my school friends had recently started talking to her. They were not going to the same Uni, nor were they anywhere near each other. I felt a vein of jealousy, but I was more concerned for her. This friend had never displayed any creepy vibes, but I was unsure of his intentions. Eventually, I asked her to stop talking to him, it did make me feel uncomfortable. At this time, we had specified that we did not want a relationship or anything other than friends between each other.

Before University started, we did stop talking as much and calling. This was a result of my feelings being blatantly obvious. But, when I recall, I wasn’t that star struck.

Then it came to moving in. We were so excited to see each other. Though we had been talking the night before, it was ungodly weird to see her in real life. I was so awkward and nervous, though I knew her so well.

Then, the second day came about, we were set to do drinks in the night. I had met up with my friend during the day, which was awesome. But, once I got back we were ready to go. Obviously it started slowly, I’m not much of a drinker, but thought I should have a few at least. It got to around 10pm, and the idea suddenly sprung up in her mind of sleeping with me. Bearing in mind that neither of us were drunk, we were quite sober, I was shocked to hear it. As the night went on, I thought I should go to bed, as I have lectures in the morning. She blocked the door, and did not want me to leave. As she kept drinking, and I did too, she asked me again, and I said to her, “We are too drunk, we should talk about this when we were sober”. This was how I truly felt, and she respected that.

The night turned, and one of my flatmates had thrown up everywhere on the floor. Whilst they dealt with cleaning it up, I had started to feel incredibly drunk and sick. Being a non drinker, this feeling was weird! Once this was sorted, one of my other flatmate’s entertained the idea of myself and “her”. I still said no. Then we got the drunk flatmate sorted, but this time it was close to 2 AM in the morning. I was exhausted and drunk. This same idea came up again, to the point where she came onto me and sent everyone to bed. Long story short, nothing much happened after that. We were way too tired, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

After this night, everything changed. I had a lot to think about, since she had mentioned she “loved” me at one point in the night. My feelings were confused and unclear. We spoke the next morning, both clarified that we shouldn’t do it again, cool the air was clear. I said the night was fun, though it got interpreted as if I was talking about her. Rule #1: Always specify what you are talking about. It became increasingly awkward between myself and her, I wanted to give her space, when she wanted me to comfort her. We even recorded a tik tok together of the ghost meme, it was really funny, but it was so forced that it was uncomfortable. She was still upset, after speaking to the other flatmate, she told me her distress.

So, I did what any person would do. I apologised a few times. Rule #2: Never apologise when you don’t know why you are apologising. It made the responses come across disingenuous and rude, hence the situation escalated.

This is where it gets out of hand. I began to feel a sense of isolation from the rest of my flat. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, it would become desolate and quiet. I realised this straight away, trying to ignore it. But after some time, it didn’t work.

I started hiding in my room, only going into the kitchen when nobody was there. I cooked all of my meals when nobody was there, 6 AM in the morning. It takes a lot for me to be down, but my mind was out of control then. I would overthink everything, to the point where I felt as if my brain would explode.

So, I left. After 3 weeks, I left my flat. She spoke to me on my train journey home, and it seemed like we cleared up the air. I felt good, deserving my break.

After this, the state of COVID got worse, and we were about to go into another Lockdown. Obviously, I wasn’t going to go back to uni now, there was no point, and I did not want to be stuck there. Staying at home with my parents, was the best decision I made all year. It gave me time to think about what I’ve done, and what I want to do. I want to create, I want to live and give 100%. But I can’t do that living in my percieved failure. I thought everything was my fault. Basically, I thought I had ruined her life.

It took a shimmer of light to get me out of this hole; my mother. I spoke to her about the issue, and how I felt about it all. She asked me one simple question ” What have you done wrong?”. I went upstairs and wrote it down, when I looked at it, I realised I had not done much wrong. I’m not perfect, but everything wasn’t my fault. My escape rope was given to me, and I clung onto it with two hands. Rule #3: Talk to those you trust about your problems.

Another week passes, and I reach out to her, to ask how she is doing. Just after the party, I did bombard her with texts, trying to be over-friendly, to act as though we were over it, in reality we weren’t. She replied with the usual one word answer, but when I brought up that we still have to live together, she responded fully. She said (paraphrase) usually those when they make a fuck up as big as this, they are cut immediately from her life. This was my breaking limit, and I exploded in my response, outlining how this was not just my fault, in reality nothing much happened, but the situation had escalated out-of-hand. Rule #4: Always stand up for yourself.

As I have spoken about in a previous blog, I felt like I had finally left my hole, there was only one more thing to do, leave the flat. I had learned so much, and hurt a lot too. But, in a weird way, I’m kind of grateful that it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think I would have met the amazing people I have, spoken to my biological father, or learned so much about myself that I can break past my previous boundaries. I am not the same person, I think I am a better person because of it. Rule #5 There is gratitude to be found in every situation.

I have no hate towards any of those involved, but this post is a cathartic way of ‘closing the chapter’ as my mum phrased it.

Let’s go.

Thank you so much for reading this, take care!

Note: I’m not a guru!

Moving Flats!

Due to the drama that occurred in my previous flat (will be discussed in another post) I only saw it right for me to move out, and find my sense of happiness again.

Minor backstory, there was a dislike present between myself and some other members of the flat. There was no big wrongdoing, besides a minor sexual tension between myself and the big leader of the flat. It was something neither of us could anticipate, but it happened and we had to deal with it.

Why do I bring this up, well my dear reader! It is because the fallout created increasing unhappiness for me and for her. Though attempts were made to correct this, it is important to note that you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. One of my favourite quotes from ‘The Minimalists – http://www.theminimalists.com’. I have no feelings of hatred towards her, but our friendship ( for now) cannot be fixed. Feelings of isolation and depressive episodes were present for me, and when I’m paying £6000 for accommodation fees, I better be enjoying my stay. It is okay to be selfish, you are your main character.

The moving process took a couple of hours. This happened during the Coronavirus Pandemic (for future readers- I hope!) meaning only I could be there to move all of my stuff into my car and to the new place. Luckily I had left some boxes in my flat ( I haven’t lived there in over 2 months) to help move my stuff, it is almost like I anticipated it!

These boxes were heavy. If I wasn’t a minimalist before, I definitely will declutter now. It was so annoying!

My new place is great though, my room has its own air freshner, and it looks really comfy. My old place gave me knockoff Pot Noodles, my new place gave me Original!

I think this will be good 🙂

Thanks for stopping by, remember I am not a guru.

My Life so far…

It is amazing how much you can change once you’ve stepped back from something you have pursued; given everything to make it successful. This blog, my personal document of my stories and the lessons I learnt, was my cathartic method to let how I was feeling out into the world.

As you can probably tell, I haven’t written on here in a while. It is nothing for me to be ashamed of, though I could’ve written a bit quicker, I’ve enjoyed the process of life happening, not everything has to happen on a screen.

So, here are a few things I have learnt during my time off from writing

  • You cannot change the people around you.

I had to learn this the hard way. It was in a situation with my parents. We were discussing a story about something quite powerful concerning subjects such as: race, sexual identification and orientation etc. We did not agree on a few aspects, having the naivety in my mind, I thought I would be able to change how they think so they would think like me. This is an incredible way to get slapped in the face. You cannot change people to think or feel as you do. It is impossible due to the overwhelming individuality that we all feel. In other words, we are all unique. So using passive aggressiveness and derogatory language to make someone feel bad in order to change their mind, is wrong. Life is too short to worry about other people’s thoughts, only worry how you can change your own.

  • Rules sometimes have to be broken.

I learned this quite recently once coming out of quarantine, heading back to work. Recently, one of my friends had become very depressed, to the point of suicide was plaguing their mind. One day ( because we work together) just before we close, they broke down in front of my boss and me. Obviously, with government guidelines, we are not supposed to hug and comfort others; to keep social distance. But, in this scenario, there is no choice. I would rather comfort a dear friend of mine, instead of watching them suffer alone.

  1. You don’t need to be consuming content all the time.

This lesson is only starting to be embedded in my head. With the abundance of content online, it is hard to tell yourself that you should not watch it; or need it. This is my problem with YouTube. After watching it consistently since the site began, and obsession for it began to devolve into a need for content in my life. I began to see the negative effects around me when i saw how it affected my parents when I would ignore them and keep staring at my phone. DO NOT DO THIS. Trust me, this habit is not one you want to form.

  • Before you buy something, assess all the benefits and positives before buying.

Amounting all the stuff I have bought over the years, then compare it to the stuff I actually kept, I have realised how much money I have wasted. The impulsivity that I have in my hand is terrifying. To my knowledge, there are only few things you need to have a comfortable life; technology and the latest gimmick is not one of them. So, assess all the benefits and drawbacks of a purchase before you try to buy it.

  • You shouldn’t try to change anything about yourself to please others.

The most important skill I am beginning to develop is self confidence. In scenarios where I am not the “top dog” or well known, having that self confidence in myself is really important if I am to become more open and begin to believe in myself.

So when you next look at yourself in the mirror, understand that there are always things you need to work on, but changing your personality; forcefully to adhere to others is impossible. Instead, focus on the minor changes that you can do with your habits and attitude towards buying and how you communicate with others. Be loving and caring towards others, but do not forget to love yourself. That is the only way to become the best version of you.