My story with X

This is a story i have been meaning to write for a long, long time. It was one of the main things that happened to me during my secondary school years, but i was afraid to write about it. Now, since it has been a while since then, i think it is time.

I want you to picture a teenage girl; slim and model-like. This would be the girl that all the boys would turn to in the school, if she made herself more known to them. She would absolutely be in the popular group, but she isnt, due to being quite introverted. We will call her ” Anne”.

Anne was one of the girls in my school, who you knew who she was, but didn’t really know her. She would always be laughing, hanging around with people ( mainly girls) and overall having a good time.

It wasn’t until the start of sixth form, that my experience with Anne began. I didn’t really know her before, because she was in a different class to me – we had a big school. Although she was in my friend group, i had no reason to talk to her, i was too busy trying to act cool with my friends.

Anyway, the start of sixth form arrives, and Anne and I happen to choose the same A level courses. Great! It means i get to know a new person and hopefully, we become friends. Small talk began, and we instantly clicked as friends. I would talk to her a lot more around school and in class. I thought she was just nice.

It was only when i began to remember what happened to my friends with their experience with her.

You see, Anne was quite a outgoing woman. She had previously sent ‘revealing’ photos of herself to boys in the past. She had a reputation of a girl who had been around the block. This didn’t bother me, because people change. Sure enough, she had stopped doing that. Great!

Only it wasn’t. Anne had began showing interest in another of my friends, and began to manipulate him psychologically for a long time. Once i noticed this, i realised that she had done this with two other boys in Year 11. I was shocked, and disappointed to know that she had hurt other people. From then on, i had decided that i didn’t like her. In fact, i said on many occasions that i hated her, though she had never done anything to me.

This led me into a downward spiral in Year 12. I began to become depressed. I didn’t like that i had all these negative emotions inside myself about others. I was supposed to be the one who helped others, but now i am shaming them? I tried to convince myself that this was normal, but i soon acknowledged that what i was doing; was for selfish reasons.

Then Year 13 began, and i hit a hard reset on myself. I didn’t want to be mean anymore, and i most certainly did not want to make myself feel horrible again. When i crossed paths with Anne again, i remembered our last encounters. I had began to develop a sort of crush for Anne. She would be flirtatous with me on the train ride home; holding my hand and once kissing me on the cheek. I thought she liked me, but she had a boyfriend. Upon uncovering this, i quickly backed down from my beahviour, though the urge still remained.

Then began a long stretch of time where Anne and I would be off and on with our friendship. Be best friends, then hate each other the next day.

This all changed in one maths lesson, when she caressed near my private area. I didn’t know how to feel. I thought it was a joke, but i was also horrified to know that she did this to me. My mind began to explode with thought. I didn’t know how i felt about anything anymore. The world became a dim fog within my mind. My grades began to fall, and i couldn’t stay focussed on a single subject. Most my friends passed it off as ‘getting lucky’. I was finally getting with the girls! I didn’t feel this way. I felt awful. I felt like she liked me, so i tried to flirt with her, but this backfired, for me and for her.

The negative feelings came back to me, but this time, i realised it. I began to understand how i was feeling; realising i had to take a step back to take steps forward.

This is when lockdown started.

I had the chance to overview how i have been acting; to step back and evaluate how my actions had affected myself and others. The consequence of acting abnormally around Anne, meant i could no longer form meaningful relationships. So, to combat this, i put a lot of work into extending my social circle, meeting new people and forming new relationships. I had to prove to myself, that i was better than the standard i had set for myself.

This story was originally going to base more around the character of Anne, but this blog is my story, to show how i have grown. Call it self-obsession, i call it an obsession with the development of the human brain. We act and we learn; i love it.

Finally, the story ends with me discussing this with Anne herself, explaining to her how she made me feel. Due to quarantine, we have had the chance to grow up a lot. She apologised, and so did i.

The story is left in the past, but the lessons i learned will follow with me for the rest of my life. I will never try to control others, undermine them or envoke hate on them for no reasons. Being in control of your emotions, and letting yourself be aware when you are angered, or upset, is what leads to a happier life.

Thank you Anne. It may have taken a long time, but you helped make me who i am. I am stronger and happier because of it.

YouTube detox

A month on from my last detox, that did not go that well in all honesty. My addiction to the internet, especially YouTube, has began to spike again. I find myself watching endless streams of videos, constantly refreshing my recommended tab; waiting for the next piece to catch my eye.

This has affected my health in ways that I did not know it could. I find that my screen time has increased by a large margin. Though I watch Anime on Crunchyroll, it is not as frequent as the Google site. I am now well aware of my existence, and how I am wasting it, consuming the success of others. I keep telling myself: I am better than this, I can do more. But I am always so hesitant to do so. It is like I need to go on there to be happy.

That isn’t right, I need to find true happiness within myself, not through objects. So, for the next 30 days, YouTube is off the table. I cannot go onto it for any necessary reasons.

It is time to see how strong my self control is.

Adventures…

Has there ever been a place that you have always wanted to go to? a place which you thought would be impossible to get to, due to being ‘too expensive’ or ‘too dangerous’. For me, there has always been a place that i would love to go to.

Need a hint? It rhymes with Hapan…

Obviously, it is Japan, why wouldn’t i want to go there? As you can see from the past month, i have fallen back in love with anime, and the typical japanese lifestyle. Call me an otaku, or a weeb, but i really appreciate and cherish the culture, and subcultures, in Japan. I have never been able to go there , because i was too young, or i didn’t have enough money to go there. I wanted to go there this summer, but with the novel virus pandemic, that the whole world has been put on hold for, so will my trip. But, i will go there. It will most likely be next year, after my first year at university.

Adventures are great. They are a way of showing yourself what you are able to do. For example, when i was in secondary school, there was a trip to a theatre in London; to see warhorse. I wanted to ask the girl out that i really liked at the time there, but of course, i was too nervous to speak to her. Eventually, once we arrived, i nerved up the courage to talk to her and tell her how i feel. When she said yes, i was relieved and excited. I couldn’t stop being happy. This adventure was only minor, but it showed me how my imaginary boundaries have stopped me from me chasing what i want.

Do you want to climb a mountain? Find a way to do it; with the proper equipment of course.

Once the lockdown phase is lowered to a lesser degree, or the virus poses less of a threat to human life, i am going to arrange my trip to Japan. It can be scary to do something you haven’t done before. You will tell yourself you can’t do it, or imagine these crazy ‘what if?’ scenarios. The only thing stopping you is you.

Go do what you want, and make sure you have fun. But, i would wait until the pandemic ends.

You never know how good you have got it until it disappears…

This concept is always dwelling in the front of my mind. Since I was younger, I would be disapointed and upset when the change in my life was taken from me. For instance, when my Aunt and Uncle would visit, I would be so happy at first, and then treat it as the norm. Once they actually left, I began to experience a feeling of pain in my stomach, like something had just stabbed me. The realisation of what I had just lost came apparent.

This feeling would then intensify once I began to experience this with those who have passed away, especially my Grandmother.

This feeling has happened recently. I began to talk with a girl that I really liked. We had many similar interests, as well as a good sense of humour. I really enjoyed our time together; online of course. But then, I began to treat it as a normal part of my life. I would become distressed once she would text me, because I would have to revert my attention to her, instead of something less important. I was not grateful for her presence.

Granted, this is not over, as we are going to similar places, but once the communication began to retract, my stabbing pain asserted its presence. Now, I long for the same comradery that we first experienced together.

You may be able to gather by now, that this experience exemplifies the importance of being grateful. Cherish what you already have in your life: friends, family and the Internet. We become so adhered to the routine of life. New things come in, and become apart of it. We only acknowledge its presence once it leaves. The world does not owe you anything; it could be taken away tomorrow; the feeling of gratefulness would only appear then. Rather, if you begin to notice what you have in your lives, that is where gratefulness can consume you.

Love what you have, appreciate it every day of your life; it could easily be taken away.

What I want

For a long time, I have struggled with what I wanted to have in life. For a lot of my younger years, I felt as though I needed to be a protector for others who cannot protect themselves. This was a result of my self-imposed failure I put on myself when I was younger; where I could not protect the I loved the most.

So, for most my life, that has been my goal; to protect others in the face of danger. This still is a huge part of my life. I don’t feel obliged to, I feel as though I must. But, this has not made me fulfilled. I want to do more, I need to be more. This is a selfish ambition, but I feel as though I have a destiny to do something great. This keeps me up at night; what is it? I keep pondering, searching for what this is. Maybe I won’t know what this ‘destiny’ is for a while, but I will keep looking for it.

Why am I writing about this? Well it was one of the first ideas that came into my head, and I wanted to write about it. I think it is the most important part; whether you want to do write about it. I have never pursued what I wanted to do, I was afraid of failure. Although I am going to university, this does not mean I won’t be able to purse my wants.

Whether this is career-wise, love or life ambitions, I will choose what I want.

We always forget we have this only life to pursue all of our goals. If others bellittle your abilities to grow, then they are afraid of your accomplishment.

If I could summarise this post in four words it would be this; go with your gut.

Hesitation

I am writing this whilst I listen to the Gary Vee experience on my phone. Just thought I would give it a shoutout, because it is a very good podcast.

Hesitation, this is something we all have to deal with. It is the back of your brain which activates when you undertake an action, which you may not usually do. It is the feeling of “nnaech” if you can imagine; in your head. It is the feeling of uncomfortableness.

This topic has cropped up in my mind recently as I have began speaking to new people. Going to university is something I am nervous about; what I am going to do and who I am going to meet. SO, I have started speaking to new people, to close the gap of my nerves.

There is this one person that I really enjoy talking with. But, I cannot fully enjoy this to the amount I intend to because I am nervous. I am nervous that the way I live ( which has been structured throughout my life) is going to be unpredictable. Getting close, In a relationship scenario is unpredictable; and it is beautiful. Certainty is what I have subjected myself to, for the past 17 years.

Conversely, I am excited for this new experience. Indulging in a new type of life is choosing more off the menu of life. I have never let myself try to do new things, by doing this, my life will change, and that is okay.

So, what advice do I give to myself and everyone reading this? When you get the hestistation feeling; in the back of your head, and you feel the urge to stay way you are. Embrace the feeling, this is what you should be doing. Whatever gives you the twitch, is the next step to get the life you want.

Keep picking off the menu of life, the price does not matter. Only then will you get the best desert.