My Drama At My Old Flat.

This has taken me a while to write about, but I think I am ready to talk about it.

So, backstory. I started talking to this girl back in June/ July time in 2020. We were on the same University course, and also the same flat! I thought she was quite pretty, but I wasn’t talking to her because of that reason. She was really cool, and made me laugh a lot.

We would FaceTime almost every day, besides the days where we would be on a phone call when she was walking her dog. It was cool. Before this, I had never really spoken to anybody on the phone before, I had that anxiety, but she definitely helped dissipate that.

It wasn’t until August, where our first hurdle began. Once of my school friends had recently started talking to her. They were not going to the same Uni, nor were they anywhere near each other. I felt a vein of jealousy, but I was more concerned for her. This friend had never displayed any creepy vibes, but I was unsure of his intentions. Eventually, I asked her to stop talking to him, it did make me feel uncomfortable. At this time, we had specified that we did not want a relationship or anything other than friends between each other.

Before University started, we did stop talking as much and calling. This was a result of my feelings being blatantly obvious. But, when I recall, I wasn’t that star struck.

Then it came to moving in. We were so excited to see each other. Though we had been talking the night before, it was ungodly weird to see her in real life. I was so awkward and nervous, though I knew her so well.

Then, the second day came about, we were set to do drinks in the night. I had met up with my friend during the day, which was awesome. But, once I got back we were ready to go. Obviously it started slowly, I’m not much of a drinker, but thought I should have a few at least. It got to around 10pm, and the idea suddenly sprung up in her mind of sleeping with me. Bearing in mind that neither of us were drunk, we were quite sober, I was shocked to hear it. As the night went on, I thought I should go to bed, as I have lectures in the morning. She blocked the door, and did not want me to leave. As she kept drinking, and I did too, she asked me again, and I said to her, “We are too drunk, we should talk about this when we were sober”. This was how I truly felt, and she respected that.

The night turned, and one of my flatmates had thrown up everywhere on the floor. Whilst they dealt with cleaning it up, I had started to feel incredibly drunk and sick. Being a non drinker, this feeling was weird! Once this was sorted, one of my other flatmate’s entertained the idea of myself and “her”. I still said no. Then we got the drunk flatmate sorted, but this time it was close to 2 AM in the morning. I was exhausted and drunk. This same idea came up again, to the point where she came onto me and sent everyone to bed. Long story short, nothing much happened after that. We were way too tired, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

After this night, everything changed. I had a lot to think about, since she had mentioned she “loved” me at one point in the night. My feelings were confused and unclear. We spoke the next morning, both clarified that we shouldn’t do it again, cool the air was clear. I said the night was fun, though it got interpreted as if I was talking about her. Rule #1: Always specify what you are talking about. It became increasingly awkward between myself and her, I wanted to give her space, when she wanted me to comfort her. We even recorded a tik tok together of the ghost meme, it was really funny, but it was so forced that it was uncomfortable. She was still upset, after speaking to the other flatmate, she told me her distress.

So, I did what any person would do. I apologised a few times. Rule #2: Never apologise when you don’t know why you are apologising. It made the responses come across disingenuous and rude, hence the situation escalated.

This is where it gets out of hand. I began to feel a sense of isolation from the rest of my flat. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, it would become desolate and quiet. I realised this straight away, trying to ignore it. But after some time, it didn’t work.

I started hiding in my room, only going into the kitchen when nobody was there. I cooked all of my meals when nobody was there, 6 AM in the morning. It takes a lot for me to be down, but my mind was out of control then. I would overthink everything, to the point where I felt as if my brain would explode.

So, I left. After 3 weeks, I left my flat. She spoke to me on my train journey home, and it seemed like we cleared up the air. I felt good, deserving my break.

After this, the state of COVID got worse, and we were about to go into another Lockdown. Obviously, I wasn’t going to go back to uni now, there was no point, and I did not want to be stuck there. Staying at home with my parents, was the best decision I made all year. It gave me time to think about what I’ve done, and what I want to do. I want to create, I want to live and give 100%. But I can’t do that living in my percieved failure. I thought everything was my fault. Basically, I thought I had ruined her life.

It took a shimmer of light to get me out of this hole; my mother. I spoke to her about the issue, and how I felt about it all. She asked me one simple question ” What have you done wrong?”. I went upstairs and wrote it down, when I looked at it, I realised I had not done much wrong. I’m not perfect, but everything wasn’t my fault. My escape rope was given to me, and I clung onto it with two hands. Rule #3: Talk to those you trust about your problems.

Another week passes, and I reach out to her, to ask how she is doing. Just after the party, I did bombard her with texts, trying to be over-friendly, to act as though we were over it, in reality we weren’t. She replied with the usual one word answer, but when I brought up that we still have to live together, she responded fully. She said (paraphrase) usually those when they make a fuck up as big as this, they are cut immediately from her life. This was my breaking limit, and I exploded in my response, outlining how this was not just my fault, in reality nothing much happened, but the situation had escalated out-of-hand. Rule #4: Always stand up for yourself.

As I have spoken about in a previous blog, I felt like I had finally left my hole, there was only one more thing to do, leave the flat. I had learned so much, and hurt a lot too. But, in a weird way, I’m kind of grateful that it happened. If it hadn’t, I don’t think I would have met the amazing people I have, spoken to my biological father, or learned so much about myself that I can break past my previous boundaries. I am not the same person, I think I am a better person because of it. Rule #5 There is gratitude to be found in every situation.

I have no hate towards any of those involved, but this post is a cathartic way of ‘closing the chapter’ as my mum phrased it.

Let’s go.

Thank you so much for reading this, take care!

Note: I’m not a guru!

Moving Flats!

Due to the drama that occurred in my previous flat (will be discussed in another post) I only saw it right for me to move out, and find my sense of happiness again.

Minor backstory, there was a dislike present between myself and some other members of the flat. There was no big wrongdoing, besides a minor sexual tension between myself and the big leader of the flat. It was something neither of us could anticipate, but it happened and we had to deal with it.

Why do I bring this up, well my dear reader! It is because the fallout created increasing unhappiness for me and for her. Though attempts were made to correct this, it is important to note that you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. One of my favourite quotes from ‘The Minimalists – http://www.theminimalists.com’. I have no feelings of hatred towards her, but our friendship ( for now) cannot be fixed. Feelings of isolation and depressive episodes were present for me, and when I’m paying £6000 for accommodation fees, I better be enjoying my stay. It is okay to be selfish, you are your main character.

The moving process took a couple of hours. This happened during the Coronavirus Pandemic (for future readers- I hope!) meaning only I could be there to move all of my stuff into my car and to the new place. Luckily I had left some boxes in my flat ( I haven’t lived there in over 2 months) to help move my stuff, it is almost like I anticipated it!

These boxes were heavy. If I wasn’t a minimalist before, I definitely will declutter now. It was so annoying!

My new place is great though, my room has its own air freshner, and it looks really comfy. My old place gave me knockoff Pot Noodles, my new place gave me Original!

I think this will be good 🙂

Thanks for stopping by, remember I am not a guru.

No excuses…

What is something that you have always wanted to do? Is it to climb a mountain, or write your own screenplay?

If there is one, why haven’t you tried it yet?

For me, I want to write a book one day, and get it published to the kindle store for others to read. This is because I love to read others work, and would be thrilled if they could experience the same joy by reading mine. The reason I haven’t done this yet is because of my fear. I am afraid that I am not linguistically skilled enough to produce a high quality fiction book; there is not enough time for me to write a book; even though there definitely is. I have made all these excuses to try and convince myself this is not the right way forward.

This is the same with other physical activities, such as going to the gym or going on a hike. You may say ” It is cold today, I don’t want to go out in case I get a cold’ . Our brain then processes this excuse, and makes a verdict on whether you should go out today and exercise, or watch the latest episode of your favourite TV show. Our minds work with us and against us.

The truth of the matter is, there is no real legitimate excuse ( besides major health issues) to not pursue what you want in life. Working a 9-5 and always feel tired? Then try to work around this; put a few hours in before and after work on your passion project. If it is something you want to pursue, then your excitement to continue becomes your motivation. Sacrifices may have to be made, to make your dreams a reality, but if it is important to you, it won’t matter as much.

We always forget how precious time is. No matter how much money you will ever own, you can never buy time back. How about we all use this blessing to the best of our ability while we can. We all only get one life, why not start living it?

If you can’t, what is your excuse?

There isn’t one.